As clunkers go...this one is pretty gosh darned clunky. But DS9 has definitely had a few that were worse. The side plot was good for a few giggles (highlighted below).
Plot Synopsis:
On a routine survey mission in the Gamma Quadrant, a planet appears out of nowhere. The Defiant is contacted by the planet's 30 inhabitants and they learn the story of these people and their dual existence. The planet shifts back and forth from a corporeal dimension to a non-corporeal one and time essentially stops when this occurs. However, they have less and less time to exist in their physical forms as the cascade reaction that causes the shifts becomes increasingly unstable. While working on a way to help them stay solid, Dax falls instantly in love with one of Meridian's least genuine-seeming men and the two embark on a whirlwind romance that nearly convinces both of them to throw their lives away without a second thought. In fact, Dax nearly dies while attempting to stay on the planet as it shifts back to the non-corporeal realm when her molecular structure makes the whole planet unstable. Spectacular! Meanwhile, Quark attempts to get Kira into a holosuite program to appease a skeezy little man with lots of money who has a lurid fantasy about possessing her. Needless to say, Odo and Kira stop him from succeeding.
Writing: 1.0
It would get a zero flat for character assassination (both of Kira and Dax...and to a lesser extent...of Sisko), but there were a few chuckles highlighted below, so I gave it a mercy point. Firstly...the Dax I know would never do something this irrational and impulsive. She leads with her heart and is very passionate, but she's also a scientist and, as a Trill, supposedly not given to bizarre lapses in judgment like completely trusting a guy she's known for three days or less and falling into an instant affair without any real information. Secondly, Kira isn't the type to play jokes on people she's pissed at. Quark, by all rights, should be in jail for attempting what he attempted, and there's no way Kira would put up with it. None. Thirdly, Sisko attempts to talk Jadzia out of leaving to join Meridian on this whim, but it requires almost no convincing on her part to make him get on board with it. In other episodes, Sisko's been a total hard-ass with the "Old Man" and forced her to see reason when she wasn't acting like herself. There's just plain ZERO chance he'd let her go so easily. The plot is childish, the dialogue is formulaic, cliche and downright nauseating, and the characters are rendered so poorly that I am forced to wonder just what the heck the producers were thinking letting this script pass to tape.
Acting: 4.0
Brett Cullen (Deral) was just plain DREADFUL - everything he said seemed forced and hollow and there was no range of emotion in him at all. Joining him in the futility camp, there was Christine Healy (Seltin) who was equally wooden and uninteresting in her portrayal. And, sadly, Avery Brooks and Terri Ferrall seemed excruciatingly uncomfortable with the script...a lot of strange moments where the words seemed to be painfully forced from their lips as they plastered ridiculously over-the-top emotions on their stressed faces. The side-plot had better acting, which is saving this episode from a far worse fate in the ratings.
Message: 1.0
So, apparently, we all think it's totally normal for reasonable people to meet someone, fall in love in a day, and make life-changing decisions with essentially no information to go on. Is it any wonder so many relationships end in failure and pain? Is it any wonder so many people have such unattainably high expectations for what romance is like? Look, I know this is TV and this kind of romance story happens all the time, but I find myself having less tolerance for stuff like this the deeper my forays into my own romantic attempts travel and the more I mature. I've run out of patience for this lazy, emotionally stunted, Hollywood garbage...it sends a lousy message to anyone who is still looking for love and just because we enjoy some wish fulfillment in our entertainment doesn't mean we should turn a blind eye when we apparently start wishing for things that aren't healthy. And this...is not healthy.
Highlights:
(Kira takes her morning coffee and has a sip, but recoils from the heat)
ODO: Too hot?
KIRA: A little.
ODO: Why don't you specify a lower temperature?
KIRA: No no no...coffee should be a little too hot to drink right away.
ODO: Why?
KIRA: Uh...it...slows down the experience - gives you time to savor the taste.
ODO: Ah...I see...the taste...must be nice.
KIRA: Odo, I know you don't have to eat, but...have you ever given it a try anyway?
ODO: Once.
KIRA: And?
ODO: And...as I have no taste buds, it was very unsatisfying. Not to mention...messy.
KIRA: Messy?
ODO: I'd...rather not talk about it. (ROTFL!)
KIRA: Oh no...Odo...stay. This is Tiron...a business associate of Quark's. Tiron...this is Odo - my lover. (Odo boggles at first...then plays along)
ODO: Yes.
TIRON: I...see...well in that case I'm sorry to have disturbed you. You make a very...interesting couple.
(and later)
KIRA: We don't need much in the way of profit - all we need is each other. Isn't that right, sweetheart?
ODO: Yes...sweetheart...(LOL...poor Odo)
ODO: Why is Quark trying to take a holo-picture of you?
KIRA: Are you sure, he's aiming at me?
ODO: Every time I get in between you two, he seems to get very upset.
QUARK: Where are you going? (notices them flanking him) Uh oh...
KIRA: Alright you little toad...just what do you think you're doing?
QUARK: Major!
KIRA: What is this?
QUARK: Oh...you mean this holo-imager? I was trying to get an image of the Promenade to send to my family.
ODO: HAH!
KIRA: You're trying to take a holo-image of me and I want to know why!
QUARK: Of you? Don't be ridiculous...you just happened to get into the frame.
ODO: HAH!
QUARK: Will you stop doing that?
ODO: Only when you start telling the truth.
QUARK: Alright...you want the truth? I'll tell you. I was trying to get an image of you - for a very special holosuite program.
ODO: Oh I can just imagine what kind of program THAT will be.
QUARK: I'm sure you could, but you'd be mistaken. I'm designing a simulation of the station's command center. The fact is, people want to know what goes on up there - and they want to imagine themselves fending off a Cardassian attack force or facing a fleet of Jem'hadar ships.
ODO: Naked, I assume. (BWAHAHAA!!!)
QUARK: Don't you have some petty-thief to harrass?
ODO: Just one. (hee)
QUARK: What do you say, Major? Give the people what they want. They just want to work side by side with this station's finest!
KIRA: Oh they want to work with me. Well let them apply to the Bajoran Military Academy. That way, I can be sure everyone in Ops is wearing their uniform. (heh!)
QUARK: Is that a no?
KIRA: Well let me put it another way. If I ever catch you pointing a holo-imager at me again...you. will. end. up. eating it! (ah...that was genuinely fun)
Lowlights:
DERAL: I was admiring your markings. Are they decorative?
DAX: No. Are yours?
DERAL: No. If you don't mind me asking...how far down do they go?
DAX: All the way. (seriously, Mr. O'Connell?? Just wow)
BASHIR: Sounds like this dual existence has its advantages.
DERAL: Yes...but we look always look forward to this dimension (ogles Dax) - and its many pleasures. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little) Here...let me
DAX: It's delicious.
DERAL: Especially if you've been craving it for sixty years.
O'BRIEN: Long time between meals! (thank you Captain Obvious!!)
DERAL: Do you always do that when you concentrate?
DAX: Do what?
DERAL: Bite your lower lip...
DAX: (smiling like a horny teenager) I guess I do. (*headdesk*)
DAX: It'll be a while before the probe starts sending back any telemetry.
DERAL: Well surely someone as important as you has other things to occupy her time.
DAX: Not really.
DERAL: What a coincidence...neither do I. (please for the love of all that is good and pure...make it stop...but nope...there's more...)
DAX: I don't know if you noticed, but Seltan didn't seem too happy when we left the settlement together.
DERAL: Well I'm sure she'd rather I was walking with Kishara or Jerad. Ever since my wife died, everyone's been wondering when I was going to find myself a new companion.
DAX: Why haven't you?
DERAL: I guess I was waiting for the right woman to fall out of the sky. (my brain hurts...)
DAX: That doesn't happen very often.
DERAL: It only had to happen once. (OK...any sane woman would have run far...far away at this point...good lord...) Don't worry about Seltan - after all...we both know this is just a...harmless walk.
DAX: Absolutely.
DERAL: With a brief stop to climb a tree. (cue the goofy-ass romantic music...and my aneurysm) Don't tell me in eight lifetimes, you've never climbed a tree before?
DAX: That's how I know I'm afraid of heights. (Um...WHAT??? Is this the same Dax????)
(and slightly later)
DAX: I can't remember the last time I did this. Strolled through a garden - climbed a tree - ate fresh berries by a pond. What comes next? (a really ridiculous kiss, apparently) I think I'm starting to remember. (I think I'm starting to hurl again...yep...bbwwwlllleeechhchchchch)
DAX: How about this...we work for a while longer...and then we go back to your place and count each other's spots.
DERAL: Can I go first?
DAX: We'll see. (please...kill me...)
DERAL: Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to build a house. Right here. Nothing extravagant...just big enough for two (because I'm a really creepy stalker).
DAX: Deral...
DERAL: I know what you're thinking. This man who I just met is talking about building a house for us. I know you have a life back on Deep Space Nine. But now you'll have a place here too. For when you visit.
DAX: Deral, I won't be able to visit for a long time.
DERAL: What do you mean?
DAX: It's going to take a long time to stabilize the sun's cascade reaction.
DERAL: How long? Meridian is going to shift back in five days!
DAX: We'll see each other again.
DERAL: In sixty years! I want you with me now!
DAX: That's what I want too, but there's nothing we can do.
DERAL: Yes there is...I can leave Meridian and go back to the Alpha Quadrant with you (even though we know practically nothing about each other and I could secretly be into S&M or like killing baby seals for sport or worse!)...if you'll have me.
DAX: WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?! (I think this writer should be shot.)
Quibbles:
1) Since when is Jadzia Dax afraid of heights? She's talked about rock climbing, gymnastics, zero-gravity training in Star Fleet, and a host of other spectacularly difficult things to do that don't compare AT ALL to climbing about 5 feet up into a tree.
2) Why is Jadzia's molecular structure unsuitable for jumping to the alternate reality but the Meridian settlers are totally fine making the transition. The back story claims they were ordinary people just like us a millennium ago who got trapped while on a survey mission. What was different about that than Jadzia's own survey mission?
3) Why would Kira rather prank Quark than make him eat his security decription device while sitting in a holding cell? She never struck me as the jocular type.
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