Overall: 8.7
If this episode doesn't leave you with a warm and fuzzy feeling, you have no soul.
Plot Synopsis:
Memory Alpha has a summary here.
The Skinny:
This is one of the few effective Ferengi episodes, and it is effective for three principal reasons. First of all, it trains a lot of focus on the relationship between Quark and Rom. It's a shame that so many episodes that feature these two are so ridiculously bad because their interactions, as this episode demonstrates, can actually be extremely well-written. Here, Rom's impassioned though inept attempts to convince Quark that he is not a nobody make my heart melt.
Secondly, Garak's role in this episode is actually a brilliant comedic touch. His annoyed observation after Quark rejects all of his assassination ideas that Quark seems "strangely determined to live" is especially classic -- and his promise that Quark will never see his death coming leads to what is probably the funniest moment of the episode. Neither SABR Matt nor I believe that Garak ever intends to kill Quark here, but we do think he has fun scaring the Ferengi a little.
Thirdly, we have the ending, which should warm the cockles of even the coldest, blackest heart. That the others are so readily willing to pitch in and support Quark in his hour of need is what really pushes this episode into near-feature territory.
Writing: 9.0
This time, the Ferengi-based comedy works extremely well. The inclusion of Garak is especially clever.
Acting: 8.0
The acting is exaggerated, as is typical in a Ferengi episode, but this time, it generally makes you laugh instead of cringe.
Message: 9.0
As Quark learns in this episode's very sweet conclusion, friendship can actually be very profitable.
Highlights:
QUARK: I got my results from my annual insurance physical. All the tests came back negative except for one. I have Dorek Syndrome.
ROM: But that's incurable.
QUARK: That's right. Which explains the dying part.
ROM: But Dorek Syndrome? It's so rare.
QUARK: It strikes only one out of every five million Ferengi. (A beat.) I finally beat the odds. (Heh.)
ROM: You're not a joke here. You're a respected businessman, a pillar of the community, a man with many friends.
QUARK: Friends? Community? You sound like some sniveling human. The only opinions I care about are those of my peers: Ferengi businessmen. In their eyes, I'm a second-rate, small-time operator.
ROM: Stop it! Stop it, brother! You are somebody. You'll see. You march right over to that comm link and offer your vacuum-desiccated remains for sale on the Futures Exchange. You'll see. Bids'll come flooding in from all over the Ferengi Alliance. Everyone will want a disk of Quark on their desk. In fact, there may not be enough of you to meet the demand.
QUARK: You're a liar. but I love you.
ROM: Just wait. When you see how much your body is worth, you're going to wish you'd died years ago... or something like that. (LOL! And also: awww.)
BASHIR: Quark! I just received an odd message from a Doctor Orpax of Ferenginar. He wants me to tell you he's very sorry, but you don't have Dorek Syndrome. Does that make any sense to you?
ROM: You don't have Dorek Syndrome?
QUARK: You know what that means, Rom?
ROM: It means you're going to live!
QUARK: (exultant) It means I get to sue Doctor Orpax for malpractice! (Then, as an afterthought:) And I'm going to live. (ROTFL! It's good to see your priorities are in order, Quark.)
BRUNT: I'm here to get what I paid for. The contract calls for fifty discs of vacuum-desiccated Quark available within six days. I'm here to make sure you deliver the merchandise.
QUARK: Maybe I wasn't clear. I'm not dying.
BRUNT: Maybe I wasn't clear. I don't care. I want my merchandise. I have a thousand ideas of how to defile your remains. Want to hear my favorites?
QUARK: Oh, I see. How foolish of me. I forgot to mention that on top of your full refund, you'll also be receiving an additional five bars of latinum for your troubles. (No response.) Did I say five? I meant ten. (Brunt's still not biting.) You drive a hard bargain. Twelve. That's my final offer. (No dice.) Look, it's late, you've come a long way. Why don't we stop this haggling and you just tell me how much you want.
BRUNT: What I want is fifty two disks of vacuum-desiccated Quark. Nothing more, nothing less.
QUARK: But I'm not going to die just yet! What do you expect me to do? Kill myself?
BRUNT: Of course not. (A beat.) You can have someone do it for you. I recommend strangulation. It leaves the body relatively unmarked for desiccation.
QUARK: You can't be serious!
BRUNT: A contract is a contract --
QUARK: Is a contract. I know that! But you don't collect on contracts under these circumstances. We're not Klingons. We're businessmen.
BRUNT: This is not business, Quark. This is personal.
QUARK: Why? What have I ever done to you?
BRUNT: Done to me? And you call your brother an idiot? Nothing you've ever done to me has been more than a minor inconvenience. No. Protecting your mother from an FCA audit, and secretly settling with your striking employees were nothing more than symptoms of a vile and insidious weakness. A weakness that makes me loath you, not for what you've done but for who you are - what you are.
QUARK: A bartender?
BRUNT: (with disgust) A philanthropist.
QUARK: I am not! (LOL!)
ROM: Wait a minute. You can't do this. I thought you were going to break the contract.
QUARK: What are the key words there? You thought.
ROM: But brother --
QUARK: Don't brother me, Rom. I'm not like you or Nog or Moogie or the rest of our pathetic family. I'm a Ferengi businessman and I made a contract. And a contract is a contract is a --
ROM: Don't quote the Rules of Acquisition to me! This is your life we're talking about.
QUARK: That's right. My life. What's the most important thing in my life?
GARAK: Business.
QUARK: That's who I am. That's what I do. I'm a businessman. And more than that, I'm a Ferengi businessman. Do you know what that means? It means that I'm not exploiting and cheating people at random. I'm doing it according to a specific set of rules. The Rules of Acquisition. And I won't disregard them when I find them inconvenient.
ROM: Inconvenient? You're going to die!
QUARK: Yes. And when I arrive at the gates of the Divine Treasury, the Registrar will accept my bribe and usher me inside. And do you know why? Because I died exactly the way I lived: as a Ferengi.
GARAK: How's that?
QUARK: Awful. Did you hear that sound of bone snapping? I don't want that to be the last thing I hear.
GARAK: It wasn't that loud.
QUARK: You don't have these ears. Snapping vertebrae is out.
GARAK: We're running out of options, Quark. You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body. The disruptor ruined your clothing. The knife was too savage. The nerve gas smelled bad. Hanging took too long, and poison -- what was wrong with poison?
QUARK: It doesn't work. If I know the food is poisoned, I won't eat it. Could you get rid of this? The sight of it makes me sick.
GARAK: Computer, remove corpse. (The hologram of Quark shimmers away.) For a man who wants to kill himself, you're strangely determined to live.
QUARK: I am going to die, don't you worry about that. I just want to find the right way.
GARAK: Right way?
QUARK: I don't want to see it coming, or hear it, or feel it, or smell it. I just want to go on with my life and then - (He snaps his fingers.) - I'm dead.
GARAK: Ah. You want to be surprised.
QUARK: Exactly. I want to wake up in the Divine Treasury and have no idea how I got there.
GARAK: I see. Perhaps that can be arranged.
QUARK: Really?
GARAK: You have my word. You'll never know what hit you.
(Later, Quark ducks into his quarters, terrified that Garak is going to jump out and get him.)
QUARK: Computer? Lights.
(When the lights come on, Quark hits the deck. When nothing happens, he rises and cautiously enters his bedroom.)
QUARK: Garak? If you're in here... (He cringes and throws up his arms to shield his face.) I'm not gonna be surprised! (ROTFLOL!)
ROM: How are you, brother?
QUARK: How am I? I'm broke. Ruined. Destitute. A pariah. How are things with you?
ROM: Not bad.
QUARK: Glad to hear it.
ROM: They took everything?
QUARK: Including this shirt. I'm supposed to send it to Brunt in the morning.
ROM: Don't worry. I have some old clothes I was going to throw out.
QUARK: I'd rather be naked.
ROM: Okay. Brother, the way you stood up to Brunt? Well, I want you to know that I'm very proud of you.
QUARK: Well, then, I guess throwing my entire life away was worth it.
ROM: I wouldn't go that far. So what are you going to do now?
QUARK: Well, Rom, I've been thinking long and hard, and you know what? I don't have a clue.
(Bashir enters with a case of bottles.)
BASHIR: Quark, where do you want this?
QUARK: What is it?
BASHIR: A case of Alvanian brandy. A patient sent it as payment, but I can't accept it.
QUARK: Nice try, Doctor, but I don't want your charity.
BASHIR: Oh, it's not charity. I find it undrinkable. So do you want it, or shall I dump it?
(Quark takes the case.)
DAX: Quark. My sister sent me these. I thought you might want them, but they're really ugly.
ROM: They're not as ugly as the old ones, but they're pretty bad.
QUARK: This is all very amusing, but I can't start a bar with a case of bad brandy and a set of... ugly glasses.
SISKO: Quark!
QUARK: Yes, Captain?
SISKO: We're doing some structural repair work on level two of the Habitat ring. We need a place to store some extra furniture for the next few months, and it looks like you have the room.
(People walk in with assorted chairs, etc.)
ODO: Captain, where do you want me to put all this furniture?
SISKO: We have three levels, Constable. Use them all.
ODO: Understood.
QUARK: Captain, you can't do this! (Sisko looks at Quark askance.) Not without paying a storage fee. A minimum storage fee. Practically nothing.
SISKO: Send me the bill.
QUARK: All right. Don't just stand there, Odo. Move it all in.
(Morn has already brought a chair and claimed his place at the bar.)
ROM: Look at them, brother. And you thought you had no assets.
QUARK: Sisko, Dax, Bashir, Morn? They're my assets?
ROM: To name a few.
QUARK: I guess you're right. (Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.)
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