Plot Synopsis:
The Teddy Bear Bomber: Chuck is itching to take Gary to the slopes, but Gary has no time to take a Christmas vacation - especially since the paper reports that a bomb will go off in a skating rink, killing twenty and injuring more. Deciding that this is a case too serious to handle alone, Gary goes to Detective Crumb, who has been pursuing the "Teddy Bear Bomber" for some weeks without success. Crumb, naturally, is less than enthused to see Gary again, but his interest is piqued when Gary mentions that the bomber will leave a note, as this is a detail that the department has not yet shared with the press.
Crumb - suspicious that Gary himself may be the bomber - forces Gary to accompany him to the rink. There, the police find nothing suspicious in their search. Crumb is ready to write Gary off and leave when Gary spies a teddy bear in the arms of a little girl and panics. Shouting for everyone to get off the ice, Gary grabs the bear and tosses it, ducking for cover. Nothing happens. On the teddy bear, Crumb finds a note: "Dear Detective Crumb: Watch out for THIN ICE!" Annoyed with the whole affair, Crumb leaves a confused Gary behind.
Gary looks at the paper, which now reports that a bomb will go off in a department store, killing thirty. Reluctantly, Gary goes back to Crumb, who once again gathers his force and heads to the department store in question. As an annoyed department store clerk looks on, Crumb's team starts tearing into a pile of teddy bears. They find nothing. While Crumb goes to take a call from the now irate mayor, Gary hears music-box-type music and, following the sound, finds a teddy bear with another note: "I've got my eye on you." Gary takes this note to Crumb, but Crumb informs Gary that he's been taken off the case.
Gary follows Crumb to McGinty's and urges him not to give up, telling Crumb that the bomber has been watching their movements all along. Just then, a man comes up and asks to speak to Crumb. When Crumb turns around, the man opens his coat and reveals a teddy bear bomb strapped to his chest -
Chuck & Santa: Meanwhile, on his way to the ski lodge, Chuck is arrested for failure to pay 106 parking tickets and is locked in the stir with a old drunk with a talent for deduction who thinks he's Santa Claus. After several scenes in which Chuck argues with "Santa" over the probability of his existing, "Santa" fakes a heart attack and manages to get a hold of the guard's keys. "Santa" breaks Chuck out of jail and steals a car, intending to head to Cleveland to "catch up with the sleigh." At one point, the cops pull them over, but "Santa" speeds away before the cops can get out of their car. Chuck and "Santa" eventually arrive at McGinty's -
- where the storylines converge. "Santa" manages to convince the bomber to relinquish his teddy bear bomb and runs out of the bar with it before it explodes. At this point, everyone assumes "Santa" is no more, but Chuck later discovers that his car has been stolen from the impound yard and replaced with the sled he wanted when he was a kid. And when Gary returns to the Blackstone, he finds that someone has decorated the raggedy Charlie Brown Christmas tree in his room.
Overall: 6.3 - Eh. This is mildly entertaining fluff, but it is decidedly underwhelming on the message front.
Writing: 6
It is the interaction between Gary and Crumb that really makes this episode passable. Crumb's dubiousness in the face of Gary's predictions - and his grudging acceptance - is always amusing, and the sort of quirky bond we see developing here will turn out to have genuine plot significance in the feature-worthy two-parter we're covering some three weeks from now.
As for Chuck's plot -- meh. There are a few chuckle-inducing moments here and there, but -- Miracle on 34th Street does that theme better.
Acting: 8
There are no real problems with the performances here. As I've observed in earlier reviews, Ron Dean perfectly matches his part. And M. Emmet Walsh certainly does his best as "Santa" despite the less-than-stellar writing.
Message: 5
I hate to say it, but sometimes I almost wish network shows would ignore Christmas altogether. Why? Because the culture of political correctness forces even patently spiritual productions like Early Edition to feign ignorance as to the significance of the holiday. Crumb claims that people don't know what they are preparing for on Christmas Eve, but that's just not entirely true. Some people do know; some people are in fact aware that Christmas celebrates the Incarnation. Certainly people have not fully absorbed what that truly means - certainly people have gotten overly tied up in the commercial aspects of the holiday - but only in the PC universe of TV is Christmas an utter question mark.
The Benevolent Hand:
I don't think "Santa" is meant to be read as the true Santa. As I note in the synopsis, most of what he does is pure deductive guesswork -- Psychic Network level tricks -- but the fact that he runs into McGinty's at precisely the right moment remains unexplained. Also fortuitous is the music that leads Gary to the second note.
Highlights:
CHUCK: (To waitress) What are you doing tonight?
WAITRESS: Waiting for Santa.
CHUCK: Santa?
WAITRESS: Yeah. Why?
CHUCK: So you actually believe in Santa Claus?
WAITRESS: In theory, at least.
CHUCK: In theory, you believe that there's some fat guy in a red suit who flies around on a sled and hangs out with a bunch of elves?
WAITRESS: Yeah, Mr. Grinch. And what do you believe in?
CHUCK: Presents.
CRUMB: Okay, talk.
GARY: About what?
CRUMB: About the note. Where is it? What's it like? What's it say?
GARY: Look, I don't know. All I know is it's found in the wreckage.
CRUMB: Like these were? No one, not even the press, knew about these. We're keeping it secret. Now who told you?
GARY: I can't tell you.
CRUMB: Eight of these in three weeks, all addressed to me. "Ha, ha, ha." "Fooled ya." This guy's giving me a headache.
GARY: Well, look, I'm sorry about that.
CRUMB: You're sorry? What about me? This is Christmas Eve. I should be home with my kids. Instead, I'm sitting around with some guy who thinks he's the amazing Kreskin. What's worse, I'm starting to believe him. Now is that nuts? (To a nearby detective) Don't answer that!
GARY: Excuse me, shouldn't you evacuate the rink over there?
CRUMB: On what grounds, a little birdie told me?
GARY: A little birdie?
CRUMB: Look, people get cranky when you shut down their business on a hunch. Show me a bomb, and then we'll talk.
GARY: Me? I don't know where the bomb is. I don't know exactly where it is, but --
CRUMB: Come along for the ride. We'll have a lot of fun.
(Gary hesitates.)
CRUMB: Listen, Charlie --
GARY: Gary. It's Gary.
CRUMB: Whomever. You're not walking until I find this S.O.B. You want to guess why?
GARY: Because it might be me.
CRUMB: Bingo. It might be you. Get in the car.
CHUCK: And how do you get there?
SANTA: Where?
CHUCK: Two billion homes in one night.
SANTA: Oh, that. Yeah, well, it's really not that hard if you work the time zones. See, it's tomorrow in Asia when it's yesterday here. Of course, you have to wear a lot of watches to keep it all straight, but you kind of get used to that. Also, of course, those reindeer go like bats out of hell. Wheeeeeeewwwwww!
CHUCK: (screaming and rattling the bars) Help!
GARY: Look, this guy, he's following us. Whoever he is, he knows where we're going. What are you doing?
CRUMB: Looks like snow. You got any feeling about that, one way or the other?
GARY: About what?
CRUMB: Because if you did, you could be a weatherman instead of, you know, a deputy sheriff.
GARY: You still don't believe me, do you?
CRUMB: I'm letting you go, not that I still don't have my suspicions. It's just that you're making me crazy with this "should be" and "supposed to be." I mean, what are you, one of those magic eight balls?
GARY: All I'm trying to do is help you out.
CRUMB: Do me a favor -- don't.
GARY: All right, I won't! Merry Christmas! (To himself) You old goat.
CHUCK: Is he sick?
DESK SERGEANT: Hard to tell. My guess is he's faking, but I'll call a medic.
CHUCK: Wait! Wait! You're not going to leave me here alone with him, are you? What if he spasms or something? I'm really not very good with death.
CRUMB: No bomb?
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE: No bomb.
CRUMB: That's too bad.
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE: Want us to start on the elephants?
CRUMB: Skip it.
ASSISTANT DETECTIVE: Yes, sir.
CRUMB: Any thoughts?
GARY: I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense. It was supposed to be here.
CRUMB: Maybe I can help you out. You see, I'm a policeman, and you're a lunatic.
GARY: Listen, you can't let this get to you. Giving up is not the solution.
CRUMB: Who says? This beer is flat.
GARY: Somewhere out there, there's a guy planning on killing people.
CRUMB: With what, love notes?
GARY: Sooner or later, he's going to succeed.
CRUMB: You know what gets me? It's not this crummy bar or that my bunions ache or that I staked my pension on the word of some nut that reads tea leaves. What gets me is I'm never going to see this guy's face. I just wish I knew how he did it.
GARY: He was watching you.
CRUMB: What?
GARY: Listen to what I'm saying. This guy knew where we were. We thought we were following him, but we weren't. He was following you. It's cat and mouse, and you were the mouse, Crumb.
CHUCK: I wish Gary were here.
SANTA: Gary who?
CHUCK: He's a friend of mine -- Gary Hobson. You know him?
SANTA: Natch.
CHUCK: Okay, then tell me: what's different about him?
SANTA: Different?
CHUCK: Yeah, that's right, different. You're Santa Claus. You should know.
SANTA: Well, let's see. He's got a mole in his armpit.
CHUCK: What else?
SANTA: Batted .461 in little league.
CHUCK: He gets tomorrow's paper -- today.
SANTA: Oh, that. I thought you meant something unusual.
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